Why I Struggle With (my) Faith

Let’s start with some music...

"Iridescent"

By Linkin Park

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, "Save me now!"
You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

It's a failure of leadership development to not address issues of the soul.  Too much out there is focused on hard and soft skills, neglecting the sub-surface currents of the soul.  Linkin Parks' song is a soul-cry - and don't tell me you have not felt what this song expresses. That's why on occasion I speak clearly about the soul.  I am about to do it again, so either check-in for a read or feel free to check out now.

I struggle with my faith in Jesus Christ and have no problem saying that to my Christian community. This blog is about a Christian leaders' wrestling with pain, suffering, meaning and purpose.

 

What follows are not originally my words.  I came across this 'confession' in 2010 while doing research on a sermon focusing on the issue of doubt.  The source is unknown to me, but I give credit to this person, whoever he/she is. At the time I was living in Kuwait. A family crisis was emerging.  I was beginning to doubt a lot of things about my own identity as a pastor, a father, a follower of Jesus.  The situation only got darker when I repatriated to Canada.  I lived on the edge of a fight or flight response to God for 2 years.  What this person had to say on that website resonates more with me now (3 years later) than it did when I was on the front edge of my crisis of doubt. Things got really dark before I could see there was light there all the time. 

I share it because the realization that doubt is a part of true faith has transformed my relationship with God and I hope, my leadership. It has made me more honest with Him to the point that I feel more than ever that I have a true relationship with my Creator where everything can be on the table and we will still love each other. So, whoever you are out there who first authoured this– thank you for giving expression to my heart and thoughts. Your story is my story – and I know that as long as other Christian leaders are honest out there, that this is their story too…

"Ping. The hammer fell and preacher came tumbling after. It's funny, when your faith finally caves, it goes all at once. You realize you were just a shell held together with hackneyed rituals and desperate hopes. You are not strong. You do not have answers....St John of the Cross calls it 'the dark night of the soul'...It broke my heart. I grieved joint and marrow. My reptilian brain cried. I was sad all the way to the bottom.

I decided not to give up without a fight. I can be a stubborn son-of-a-bitch. I sought answers. I read the good stuff and talked with the good people. I learned some things. I found my way. 

Turns out Christianity is an eastern religion. The earliest Christians were Hebrews. Semites. People of the east. They did not know how to separate mind from body. They were holistic before holistic was cool. In our world we have separated mind from body to our great loss. Here a man may betray his wife and neglect his children, but he says he loves them 'down inside'. Bullshit. There is no 'down inside'. Love is something you do, not something you feel. Likewise, we think having faith means being convinced God exists in the same way we are convinced a chair exists. People who cannot be completely convinced of God's existence think faith is impossible for them. Not so. People who doubt can have great faith because FAITH IS SOMETHING YOU DO, NOT SOMETHING YOU THINK. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith.

I learned that it doesn't matter in the least that I be convinced of God's existence. Whether or not God exists is none of my business, really. What do I know of existence? I don't even know how the DVD works. What DOES matter is whether or not I am faithful. I think faithful is a hell of a good word. It still has some of its original shine. It still calls us to action. Once I stumbled upon this very old truth, I prayed the most honest prayer of my life:

'God, I don't have great faith, but I can be faithful. My belief in you may be seasonal, but my faithfulness will not. I will follow in the way of Christ. I will act as though my life and the lives of others matter. I will love. I have no greater gift to offer than my life. Take it.' "

And what does the Lord require of you, O man, 

but to do justice, 

love kindness, 

and walk humbly with God

Micah 6:8

A family member who has also endured suffering and doubt along with me these past few years often plays that song by Linkin Park which has become a bit of a favourite of mine; capturing the emotion of that season.  The ‘let it go’ advice is partly right.  What I now know better than before is to let it go into the sovereign hands of a God who faithfully endures with me… (yes, God suffers along with us)

Harv Matchullis

Your Life is a Fluvial Process

Those of us in the Western world are accustomed to think about life in a linear fashion.  Our personal, spiritual or vocational lives are framed in a staged progression.  Examples:

•  Strategic planning is based on a principle of direct cause and effect toward a long term goal

•  Career planning mixes a defined stage theory of adult development with assumptions about ‘forward progression’ in any given career

• Spiritual life development frequently makes an assumption of step by step advance to a greater level of peace and tranquility

In my 20’s and 30’s I assumed life could be mapped out.  Create a Master Plan and fix your energy on it.  Of course I could do it because society shouted out a loud message: "You can be anything you want to be".  Now in my 50’s, I look back and see a different course has defined my life, career, spiritual development.

Life is a fluvial process.  It's worth a little science lesson here before some life & leadership application...

 _____________________________________________

A fluvial process in nature is the physical interaction of flowing water and the natural channels of rivers and streams. Such processes play an essential and conspicuous role in the denudation of land surfaces and the transport of rock detritus from higher to lower levels. 

Over much of the world the erosion of landscape, including the reduction of mountains and the building of plains, is brought about by the flow of water. As the rain falls and collects in watercourses, the process of erosion not only degrades the land, but the products of erosion themselves become the tools with which the rivers carve the valleys in which they flow. Sediment materials eroded from one location are transported and deposited in another, only to be eroded and redeposited time and again before reaching the ocean. At successive locations, the riverine plain and the river channel itself are products of the interaction of a water channel’s flow with the sediments brought down from the drainage basin above.

The velocity of a river’s flow depends mainly upon the slope and the roughness of its channel. A steeper slope causes higher flow velocity, but a rougher channel decreases it. The slope of a river corresponds approximately to the fall of the country it traverses. Near the source, frequently in hilly regions, the slope is usually steep, but it gradually flattens out, with occasional irregularities, until, in traversing plains along the latter part of the river’s course, it usually becomes quite mild. Accordingly, large streams usually begin as torrents with highly turbulent flow and end as gently flowing rivers. (Wikipedia)

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The imagery & resulting applications are numerous.  (It’s a great illustration of how when we pay closer attention to nature, we find deeper understanding and insight into our own lives).  Let me pick out just a few and frame them as observations and questions:

1. When you assume  your personal, corporate or spiritual life can flow in a direct line, assume your assumption will not survive!
2. What tools and support do you have when life’s flow takes an unexpected course change?  Push back is natural when you hit an obstacle, but somehow you have to find a way to keep the flow going. Who are the people you can turn to?  What emotional/spiritual resources are you currently building that will sustain you when life's course takes an unexpected turn?  
3. Like any flowing body of water, our lives carry detritus, erosive material.  Have you ever thought that when life goes around a bend, it may be an opportunity to deposit some of that stuff?  Take time to reflect and see what you could lose from your life in order to gain energy for the next phase.
4. Don’t waste your pain.  A river cannot learn, but you can.  Every course correction, every still backwater, every steep drop and obstacle are opportunities to shape the flow & direction of your life.  Don’t waste your pain on whining and self pity. 
5. A river flows somewhere…always.  Gravity is a force that moves it toward a lake or the ocean.  What force is driving your life in a way that enables you to find ways around or through obstacles?  You can define your life by it’s unexpected turns and barriers or by a larger context and force.  That larger context for me is the knowledge that I am being prepared for an eternal relationship with my Creator-God.  I flow toward a goal that transcends this life, but engages this life as a training ground for an everlasting life with a God of love, purpose and joy.

Life and leadership truly is a nomadic, river-like journey.  In the end, where will your river flow?  Answer that, and the course changes may start making more sense.

Harv Matchullis

harvey@visiontracks.ca   -  www.visiontracks.ca

Systems Down

 

We have all been there, sitting as I was with my son in a Doctor’s office, subservient to a system that books us in to a specific time, penalizes us if we miss it or are late for the appointment, but does not compensate us, or even talk to us as patients if the Dr. is inexcusably late.

Systems are valuable.  We create them on small scales to organize our lives and homes.  That calendar in the kitchen, the notes on the fridge or the software on your computer are all examples of small scale systems to keep work and family life organized.  Organizations scale things up from there (sometimes way up), organizing and codifying processes to create efficiencies, cut costs, and deliver products and services.

I have a baseline question to ask about ANY system.   For whom does it exist?   

The question is based on an observation and much personal experience which suggests that at some point in time a system begins to exist for the system itself, serving it’s own needs rather than the “customer”.  It takes on a separate life of its own.

Let me continue with my story at the Doctor’s office. 

In my case – as we sat there coming up to one hour after our scheduled appointment time, many were leaving.  Only after people got up to complain did the receptionist acknowledge them and offer to re-book.  During a lull in the exodus she called a patient who had missed an appointment that morning and informs them they will be assessed a fee for that!  The system said “issue a fine”.  The reality was that had that person come, they likely would have left anyway (as I was also about to do).  Ironically it was a benefit to the rest of us and the office operations that this person did not come!

The system was not serving people that day.  It was serving its internal rules. Had the system been focused around patients and employees, it could have empowered the receptionist to make adjustments and judgment calls based on serving the client.  For instance, she could have:

·         Forgiven the missed appointment and rebooked given the reality of that day’s scheduling catastrophe.

·         Proactively discussed with patients in the waiting room that they were likely to be significantly delayed and would be better served if rebooked.

But she did not.  The system’s rules were fixed and she followed them.

My bold bias here is that systems exist to serve people (customers, clients, employees, volunteers). Systems are needed to deliver goods and services in an efficient manner to customers & clients.  They are also needed to help employees and volunteers know best how to do that consistently.  NB-the common element here is the people. 

Most organizations begin setting up their systems with the noblest of intentions and it usually involves a way they can best help their people get their product or service out there to people.  In subtle ways and over time adjustments to the system can begin to favour internal ‘efficiencies’ and needs, thus drifting away from benefitting the end user or the implementer.  An outrageous and admittedly old example of this is from an organization known globally for its extremely cumbersome systems.  At one point in its history the United Nations suspended, for an entire day, its efforts at dealing with drought, detente, and desert oil, in order to debate whether UN employees should continue to ride first class on airplanes. (Systemantics; How Systems Work... and Especially How They Fail -by John Gall. New York, Pocket Books, 1978)

When you create or make adjustments to a system, I suggest you change your thinking in a way that will ensure your processes continue to be oriented toward people.  Move your mind from an efficiency focus to a personal/end user focus by asking better questions when you set up your systems:

PURE EFFICIENCY          Let's make rules for making appointments
PERSON-FOCUSED         How do we manage patient flow?

PURE EFFICIENCY          Standardize collection of student records
PERSON-FOCUSED         How can we keep up to date with them?

PURE EFFICIENCY          Get the computers handling all incoming inquiries
PERSON-FOCUSED         How will we stay in touch and keep a customer loyal?

You still need a system - just take some time to orient your mind around who it is for.

Oh - and Doctor?...I know you invested in a system – just don’t leave me in your office again for an hour without at least acknowledging me (the one who pays your fees!).

Invest in me.

Harv Matchullis

harvey@visiontracks.ca

 

Purpose: Organizing VS. Institutionalizing

Disclaimer:  Readers of this blog who are not followers of Jesus Christ as I am may find this particular blog overly laced with references to my faith context.  This is your chance to opt out of reading it.  A provocative leadership discussion is embedded here that applies to anyone, but the context I am speaking to has particular application to my brothers and sisters who follow the Way.  It is to their leaders that I write.

What is the difference between organizing ourselves to accomplish a task/purpose and institutionalizing around those same ends?  

My answer:  Meaningful and timely impact

“The One who calls you is faithful and He also will do it”

This scriptural reference from 1 Thessalonians 5:24 appeared in many of my letters home and my verbal presentations to supporters when I was an international worker with my mission agency back in the late ‘80’s.  I knew then (and have repeatedly experienced since) that God often calls us to places, people and tasks that are simply beyond our ability or comprehension.  Once convinced that it is God who is calling, what that is required by God is that you start walking in that direction.  He will unfold the map and supply the provisions as the journey progresses.  Not that we start out without any training or ongoing preparation, but we don’t hold back just because we think/feel our 'stuff isn’t together’ in our personal or corporate lives.

I’ve lived and exercised this personally.  While some paths I took were absolutely awesome and exhilarating, not all were easy.  Some still don’t make any sense to me from my terrestrial perspective.  Some gave me scars.  All of them formed my faith, character and leadership.  

Today I am on the verge of a major step in the launch of a new ministry/organization and I am asking some questions:

• Can the lessons from my personal journey of faith apply to the organization?
• Can this scripture above be a guide for a corporate endeavour?
• Can I be as flexible and nimble when charged with organizing other people and resources toward a specific end?

These are significant questions because for me, it’s institutionalization of what was once a person/groups nimble, faith-filled response to the ‘call’ of God that prevents their ability to respond to any new call for a route change, a new focus, or even an end to their journey. (God forbid that any ministry or even a church should have a shelf-life???)

It seems to me that we Christians are schizophrenic about God’s leadership.  He can move individuals freely into new areas of focus, but our organizations (ministries/churches) for some reason are a different story.  People move in and out of organizations because they don’t ‘fit’ or are not ‘called’ or are called to a new purpose. Has anyone ever thought that perhaps an organization no longer ‘fits’ or is ‘called’ as it once was?  

Institutionalization occurs when God’s voice is  muffled by other voices crying out for attention such as physical assets, strategic planning, fund-raising, staffing, structures and a myriad of other things required to sustain the mere existence (let alone purpose) of the organization.  Perhaps leaders feel too much responsibility to the reputation, assets and employees of their organization.  I am not being dismissive here. These obligations are a significant influence on leaders’ readiness and willingness to hear and respond to the voice of God should He ever say something like:  

• “It’s time to pick up the tent.  I am sending you and this whole group into new territory”
• “ I have a new purpose for you to accomplish”
• “This was good for its time, but now it’s time is over”

If you are organized around a purpose, you can respond to these calls.  If you have institutionalized around a purpose, they are a threat to the existence of interests, jobs and reputations.

As I contemplate the beginnings of this organization I will lead, I have crafted this prayer for myself:

Harv – don’t idolize, petrify or overly cling to this new thing.  It is not yours even though it’s entrusted to you.  It isn’t yours & never will be.  It is God’s and exists ONLY for His purposes.  Stay attuned to the voice of God in the further building of this organization.  God called it into being and will continue to do so for as long as it fits His purposes.  He will continue to speak into its development and delivery of its services.  Stay attuned.  There is only ONE reason this thing exists – for His purposes.  The moment you institutionalize it is the point you take it out of His hands.  Organize it. Don’t institutionalize it.

Lead whatever you lead for meaningful and timely impact. 

If neither is occurring, what are you doing about it?

Harv Matchullis