Why I Struggle With (my) Faith

Let’s start with some music...

"Iridescent"

By Linkin Park

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, "Save me now!"
You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

It's a failure of leadership development to not address issues of the soul.  Too much out there is focused on hard and soft skills, neglecting the sub-surface currents of the soul.  Linkin Parks' song is a soul-cry - and don't tell me you have not felt what this song expresses. That's why on occasion I speak clearly about the soul.  I am about to do it again, so either check-in for a read or feel free to check out now.

I struggle with my faith in Jesus Christ and have no problem saying that to my Christian community. This blog is about a Christian leaders' wrestling with pain, suffering, meaning and purpose.

 

What follows are not originally my words.  I came across this 'confession' in 2010 while doing research on a sermon focusing on the issue of doubt.  The source is unknown to me, but I give credit to this person, whoever he/she is. At the time I was living in Kuwait. A family crisis was emerging.  I was beginning to doubt a lot of things about my own identity as a pastor, a father, a follower of Jesus.  The situation only got darker when I repatriated to Canada.  I lived on the edge of a fight or flight response to God for 2 years.  What this person had to say on that website resonates more with me now (3 years later) than it did when I was on the front edge of my crisis of doubt. Things got really dark before I could see there was light there all the time. 

I share it because the realization that doubt is a part of true faith has transformed my relationship with God and I hope, my leadership. It has made me more honest with Him to the point that I feel more than ever that I have a true relationship with my Creator where everything can be on the table and we will still love each other. So, whoever you are out there who first authoured this– thank you for giving expression to my heart and thoughts. Your story is my story – and I know that as long as other Christian leaders are honest out there, that this is their story too…

"Ping. The hammer fell and preacher came tumbling after. It's funny, when your faith finally caves, it goes all at once. You realize you were just a shell held together with hackneyed rituals and desperate hopes. You are not strong. You do not have answers....St John of the Cross calls it 'the dark night of the soul'...It broke my heart. I grieved joint and marrow. My reptilian brain cried. I was sad all the way to the bottom.

I decided not to give up without a fight. I can be a stubborn son-of-a-bitch. I sought answers. I read the good stuff and talked with the good people. I learned some things. I found my way. 

Turns out Christianity is an eastern religion. The earliest Christians were Hebrews. Semites. People of the east. They did not know how to separate mind from body. They were holistic before holistic was cool. In our world we have separated mind from body to our great loss. Here a man may betray his wife and neglect his children, but he says he loves them 'down inside'. Bullshit. There is no 'down inside'. Love is something you do, not something you feel. Likewise, we think having faith means being convinced God exists in the same way we are convinced a chair exists. People who cannot be completely convinced of God's existence think faith is impossible for them. Not so. People who doubt can have great faith because FAITH IS SOMETHING YOU DO, NOT SOMETHING YOU THINK. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith.

I learned that it doesn't matter in the least that I be convinced of God's existence. Whether or not God exists is none of my business, really. What do I know of existence? I don't even know how the DVD works. What DOES matter is whether or not I am faithful. I think faithful is a hell of a good word. It still has some of its original shine. It still calls us to action. Once I stumbled upon this very old truth, I prayed the most honest prayer of my life:

'God, I don't have great faith, but I can be faithful. My belief in you may be seasonal, but my faithfulness will not. I will follow in the way of Christ. I will act as though my life and the lives of others matter. I will love. I have no greater gift to offer than my life. Take it.' "

And what does the Lord require of you, O man, 

but to do justice, 

love kindness, 

and walk humbly with God

Micah 6:8

A family member who has also endured suffering and doubt along with me these past few years often plays that song by Linkin Park which has become a bit of a favourite of mine; capturing the emotion of that season.  The ‘let it go’ advice is partly right.  What I now know better than before is to let it go into the sovereign hands of a God who faithfully endures with me… (yes, God suffers along with us)

Harv Matchullis