I was let go/released from my organization last December. Budget cuts. At my age, people assume I have retired. I have not. Trying to counter that narrative is getting tiring.
But something else is more tiring.
The grief process.
A few days ago in my journal I wrote how I felt settled that I don’t yet know the future. This morning’s entry was different. I feel purposeless. At times I’m distant and indifferent to people, to ideas and to the future. Executing on the things I love and have planned for are getting to me. My wife & I have been planning a trip to Europe for 4+ years and are in the throes of finalizing the details now, but it feels like an obstacle instead of a joy. Anyone who knows me knows I love renovating things, but the renovation I am doing in my basement, though 95% done, now feels like a drag. Adding to the darkness is the thought that after the trip and after the reno, then what?? I want to interpret all this as part of the emotional journey after a ‘release’. I hope that’s all it is because I feel like I am losing something of my self.
I only see shadows of a future. Clarity is clouded by grief. We all face loss and grief from multiple
sources. Grief is a loss of a locus for our love and attention. Whether it’s a dream, a person, an expectation
or a hope, the grief we carry is love/purpose which now has no place to go. It’s not so easy to find a new destination
for that love. In some cases, it can be redirected
to find some satisfaction in a new dream, job, circumstance or relationship. As the scripture says, we may cry for a
night, but joy can come in the morning when the sun rises on a new day for us.
However, there are some losses you simply will carry. Always. Over time you figure out how to deal with that extra weight in your backpack. How you carry that load of grief will define you and make you. In terms of my job loss, I realize I have several options for how I carry it:
- Be angry (that way my grief has someplace to go!).
- Be depressed and despondent at my situation.
- Believe I am to blame, that somehow, I failed or didn’t measure up.
- Question my identity.
- Jump into something just to fill the void.
- Suck it up.
- Stay in it.
Stay in it? Yes. I need to bear the load and feel the feelings. It’s unlikely I will emerge into what’s next without taking that journey. There is something about the journey itself that is as redemptive as the eventual outcome. We love redemption stories. Most however have a plot line of grief and suffering, of bearing a burden. The Biblical story of Ruth is a wonderful redemption story, but it is laced with, and she is defined by, her endurance of the significant loss of a husband, of children, of status and protection.
“My vision is blurred by grief.
My eyes are worn out because of what opposes me.
To all the things seemingly opposing my future and fulfillment, I wish you’d just go away!
Yet I remind myself there is a Creator who sees my grief.
That Creator pays attention and hears my pleas.
There will be a path that emerges from this.
Creator, help me take notice.”
(My translation of Psalm 6:7-9)
Harv
